Don’t Confuse Confidence for Arrogance

So I wanna be a little vulnerable here today. I wanna talk to you about some criticism that I receive pretty frequently online. Mostly people saying that I’m arrogant and things like that. And I wanna tell you specifically why it bothers me, cuz number one, I don’t think it’s true.

I think we confuse humility with removing your confidence. I’m a confident person and I’m proud of that, cuz I worked hard for it. There was a large part of my life where I was not confident.

I wouldn’t say I’m arrogant. Arrogant people think they can do anything, and they think they’re better than everybody. I just think I’m really good at psychotherapy. I think I’m pretty okay at talking about psychotherapy. I think I’m pretty okay about writing about psychotherapy.

I don’t think I’m just great at everything. And I wanna tell you a funny story as evidence to this point.

Recently I was hanging out with Tiffany Haddish. We were in L.A., and Tiffany had a comedy show. So she asked me to go to this comedy show. We go all the way out to Malibu. And I say all the way, it’s probably like 11 miles, but to L.A. people, it’s like on the other side of the earth. But that’s where the show was. It’s in Malibu.

We’re sitting in the green room hanging out and Tiffany’s getting ready to go up, and all the other comedians are going up. There was a guy who was hosting for the very first time and he comes in the green room and he asks Tiffany how she wants to be introduced. And she answers him.

He looked really nervous, she could tell. She asked him how long he’s been doing this and he said “This my first time hosting.” And Tiffany’s like, well, you don’t bring me up like this, bring me up like that. And then for whatever reason she turned to me and she said, “Elliot, how about you go up and you perform and lead into me?” And I was like, “Absolutely not. No chance.” And she was like, “Why not? Like you go up there and just talk for like five minutes.” I said, “Tiffany, I am not about to do that.” And she said, “How about do three minutes?”

[I responded,] “I am not about to do that. I am not a skilled, trained, or experienced comedian.” You’re literally one of the best comedians that has ever lived. You’re one of the most famous, successful comedians on the planet. I’m not about to go look stupid, standing up on a stage doing something I’m not prepared or skilled at doing.” So I did not do it. And everybody I talked to about it, they were surprised that I turned it down. And I was like, of course I wouldn’t do it. That’s not what I’m good at. That’s not what I’m built for. That’s not what I’m trained to do.

But, therapy, I’ve trained to do it. Therapy, I’ve gone through the trenches. Therapy, I’ve been doing this for years. I have failed. I have failed again, and I’ve failed some more, until I figured out how to not fail. But comedy is not something that I have.

So listen, when people say, “Be humble.” and “You’re arrogant.” It’s criticism, I actually don’t mind it. It hurts a bit because I think people shouldn’t say those things. But I’d rather people confuse my confidence for arrogance, than people confuse my depression for suicidality, which is how my life used to be.

I worked really hard to get good at Solution Focused Brief Therapy. And there’s nothing wrong with owning your greatness for the things that you worked really hard at. But I wanted to share with you a story of me being totally vulnerable, and totally honest, and totally acknowledging “I don’t know how to do that.”

Tiffany was trying to put me in a situation that I’d never been in before. I don’t know how to do that. But this right here, talking about psychotherapy and being up on stages, talking about Solution Focused Brief Therapy, and writing about it, and practicing it. I’ve earned the right to be confident. And one of the reasons I share my material is cuz I want you to be confident too. Now I can’t make material that will help you be a confident mechanic or comedian or actor or carpenter. But I can make material to help you be a great Solution Focused Brief Therapist.

So I hope you’re enjoying this channel, you’re enjoying my social media. That’s exactly what it’s designed to do.