How To Ask Questions with Perfect Timing

Sometimes during a session the question you ask a client could be absolutely PERFECT, but asking it at the wrong time could make it the worst question ever. Let’s talk about how to get a better buildup going, to execute great questions that activate change. 

Solution Focused Brief Therapy is a very simple approach to psychotherapy, but utilizing it in session in a successful way, is very, very tricky. And what makes it so tricky is it’s not always about the questions you ask. Sometimes it’s about the temperature. Use that as an analogy. The temperature in the room in which you ask the question.

I was thinking about this because somebody asked me today about a couple they were working with. I was doing a little mini consultation and someone asked me about a couple they were working with, and they were like, “The husband and wife, they go at it all the time.” And like, “How do I help them?” And one of the things that you have to master when you’re using Solution Focused Brief Therapy with individuals, couples or families. I’m going to give you an example from a couple, but it’s really true for no matter what setting you’re using this approach with, you have to learn how to increase positive emotion in the therapy session.

So, for example, let’s say I’ve got a couple, and they seem to just really not be on the same page, upset with each other, arguing, fighting, whatever. They’re really struggling. And you ask them a question “What are your best hopes from her talking?” You might get an answer that’s like, “I want them to get out.” Or, you might get evidence that they’re angry with each other.

But if I ask them a question like, “In your past, I know it’s tough right now, I know you guys are really upset, but if you could think back, when in your past were you the most pleased that this person was your partner? When in your past you remember feeling the most love towards them? When in your past you remember thinking, ‘I’m very, very lucky to be with this person?’

And you can also follow up question once they answer that, “When do you see evidence that some, maybe not all, but some of who they used to be is still in them? When do you notice that?” As they answer those questions, you’re increasing positive emotion because the answers to those questions contain positive information and it increases positive emotion.

And your brain can’t help it, when you hear someone else saying something positive about you, even in a setting like this, you start feeling better about them in the room. And then when you ask subsequent questions, it lands differently because you’ve changed the temperature in the room.

A lot of times people ask me questions like, “Elliott, I was doing Solution Focused Brief Therapy and it didn’t work.” And I’m like, “So what’d you ask?” And they tell me what they asked, and they’re perfectly fine questions. But they didn’t do a little bit of work to reduce the temperature in the room, increase positive emotion. And once you do that, then the questions begin to flow, and the clients have a much easier time answering the questions. And the questions make a much bigger difference.

I think one of the outcomes that we have to understand about psychotherapy, all therapy, is that what we should be doing is helping people feel better. And once people feel better, they think better about their abilities, and about the ability to achieve change.

So we’ve gotta be able to sit down with our clients, and be really, really good at increasing positive emotion, because they will feel better. If you work with a couple or family, they’ll feel better about everybody else in the room, and they’re more likely to achieve change.