How To Keep Control Of Your Therapy Session

This may be hard to hear, but if you’re constantly experiencing your therapy sessions being hijacked by your clients, it’s actually your fault! Let’s discuss the best ways to keep control while still respecting your clients in session.

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You are doing your clients a massive disservice. And I need to tell you exactly how.

For the past 15, 20 years, I’ve been traveling the world teaching psychotherapists how to practice Solution Focused Brief Therapy. And if there was one trend I’ve noticed more than anything else, I’m going to tell you that it’s…

You guys are too nice.

People ask me all of the time, how do you manage a session where there’s a couple and they’re arguing and fighting and one of the people are belligerent and they’re kind of taking over? And my answer is always the same. It is your job to manage that session, and you have to do whatever you have to do to do that.

I think a lot of therapists, sometimes they’re so focused on being ‘kind and polite’ that they’re not willing to interrupt the person who’s causing a disruption in a session. They’re not willing to guide the couple and tell them to stop saying those things or talking that way. They’re so busy trying to be a therapist, they’re forgetting that it’s your job to manage what’s happening in the session.

So, for example, if they’re going at it, I’ve got to remember this one simple rule. And if you can remember this one rule, then you will then be assertive and you will manage the session. Because when the session gets out of control, it is your fault. You didn’t manage the session. It is not the couple’s fault. It is not the client’s fault. It is yours. And you have to be assertive enough to control the session at any cost.

So how do you do that? By remembering this very, very simple rule. And that is…

Therapy is not the real world.

So, for example, if I’m in a conversation with my friends, and I ask a really simple question, like, “Where would you guys like to eat dinner tonight?” And there’s an argument about it, like, that’s the real world. And I don’t want to interrupt. I don’t want to cut them off. I don’t want to hurt feelings. But in therapy, you were hired to spend an hour helping that client or couple adjust and make change and create a different experience.

So if they start yelling, I’m going to be like, “Hold on a second, it’s that person’s turn to talk. You keep interrupting, not your turn. I need to hear from you, ma’am. Please, hold it down. Hold on a minute. I need to hear this answer.” You literally have to be that assertive.

There have been times when I was working face to face (I now do all my sessions on Zoom), but for over 15 years, I had a therapy practice. I was working face to face. I would literally, like, wheel my chair and block people. And here’s the funniest thing that happens. When the clients begin to recognize that you’re going to manage the session, they stop violating the rules. When they realize that you’re assertive enough to control the environment, they stop testing. When they realize… (and this is really about trust).

The number one reason people interrupt is because… (and I’ll use couples as an example).

If I’m working with a couple and let’s say the woman says, I think my husband’s a jerk, the husband will interrupt because they don’t like that their wife just labeled them to me, and they were afraid I’m going to accept the label, so they interrupt. I’m not a jerk. What about the things that you do? But if I can control that. Hold on a second. I got to let her get a whole thought out. I promise I’ll come back to you. And then she gets her whole thought out, and I come back and then I talk to this person. They start to trust me that I’m going to hear each part of the story.

And for that reason, people ask me all the time, like, “Elliott, can you show me an example of how you use Solution Focused Brief Therapy with an arguing couple?” And my answer is usually, “No, I can’t show you that example, because I use Solution Focused Brief Therapy to such an extent that the argument never takes place.”

You guys think that it’s the couple that created the argument, but it’s you. You weren’t assertive enough to control the session. And you now know that you have to do every single thing that you can to control the dynamic in the room. That is your responsibility. That’s literally what you were hired to do. Sometimes you’re gonna have to be an asshole to be able to do it. But it is your responsibility to do whatever is necessary to control the flow of the session.