Knowing What Questions to Ask and What Questions to Avoid

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One of the ideas that frequently trips people up is knowing what questions to ask and what questions to avoid. Luckily there is a way to figure this out and that’s what this week’s video is about.

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Like everyone else, I am getting used to, kind of a new normal around the world, right? Like, if you’ve been watching my videos for the past couple of weeks, you’ll notice I’m wearing a bunch of Nike sweatsuits because I’ve decided if I’m going to be home, I’m going to be comfortable. And the other day I did something I’ve never done before. I taught a full day training online. I taught a full day training right here for my office on zoom literally in front of, you know

however many people, over the course of eight hours. And it was amazing actually, I loved it. It was it was super. It was different than live events, but it was still super invigorating, super inspiring. And I absolutely loved it. And one of the things I’ve been saying in my training events for really long time to kind of make the point of how we ask Solution Focused questions is that in order to do Solution Focused Brief Therapy

you have to understand the difference between being curious and asking questions that are driven by curiosity and being nosy.

And when I mentioned this to the group, the other day they had a bunch of questions like, “What’s the difference between

being curious and being nosy?” And I wanted to share this with you because it really is such an important thing.

One of the things I’ve come to realize and I really want my information and my training material in my videos to address this is a lot of people they’re like,

“So what’s wrong with my questions? Right if I tried Solution Focused Brief Therapy with this client or I tried a Solution Focused technique.

I tried to ask him a scaling question, miracle question, whatever, and it didn’t seem to work. So what’s wrong?

And when I really dig in and if I watch an example of that person doing the therapy session,

it’s not the question that’s wrong. It’s the context that makes it fall flat.

It makes it hard to do. So, I want to make sure you guys understand these really nuanced but important things that makes Solution Focused

Brief Therapy different than other approaches, and one of them is understanding this dynamic, the relationship between curiosity and nosiness.

So let me make the point if I um, being curious is when you ask a question that is related to your function,

right. So here in a minute I’m gonna go to the grocery store, which I’m excited about by the way, I have been to the grocery store in like a week, so I’m gonna go, I haven’t been out of the house

right. So this is gonna be a really cool outing. So I’m going to go to the grocery store. And when I approached the cashier,

they’re going to ask me relevant questions like, “Would you like paper or plastic?” “Would you like this in a bag?”

“Do you want the receipt?” Like, those are all relevant questions to the dynamic that I have with that person and the role that they have in my life at that time.

So if they ask me, a question is outside of the role. Like, if they say something to me,

like, “How much did your car cost?” I will experience that is an intrusive question, because what does that have to do with the relationship that we have based upon the function you’re serving in my life?

Right. So, there’s nothing wrong with that question. There’s nothing around the question,

“How much did your car cost?” There’s just something wrong with how it fell in the dynamic in which I have with the person and the function.

they have my life at the time. But if I were to go to a place to buy a car and the car salesman says,

“How much did your last car cost?” I wouldn’t experience as an intrusive question because it’s clearly related to what they’re doing in my life. Now

in Solution Focused Brief Therapy we start out with the desired outcome. We usually ask clients,

“What are your best hopes from our talking?” Because we want to know what difference do you want this conversation,

this therapy, to make in your life? “How would you like meeting with me, to make an impact on your life?”

And then clients tell us like, “I want to be happy?” Let’s say, for this example, well

that means my relationship with this kind is related to the presence of happiness. So I can say things like,

um, “When was happiness last in your life?” “Who in your life notices the happiness when the happiness is present what’s different about you?”

“If you woke up tomorrow and the happiness was there. What would you start to notice?” So I can ask questions that connect to the stated outcome that the client has for the therapy session?

If I step outside of that and I ask questions that typically we use for like, assessment in the more problem focused way,

I am violating the idea that I’m going to stick to asking questions that are related to the outcome you told me you want to achieve.

I’m now asking questions that step outside of that and clients experience that as intrusive. So that’s what we mean when we say we want to ask questions that are driven by curiosity and not nosiness,

right? So, like I said, I’m gonna go now because I get to leave the house. I’m out of certain foods and things. So I’m going to go to the grocery store and pick up some stuff and what a world we now live in where I’m like super excited to go to the grocery store and just interact with random people.

I meet, like cashiers or whoever. Who would have thought that this would be like the cool outing to go to.

But here we are. It’s cool outing to go to, but before I go, do me a favor,

‘like’ this video, ‘share’ this video. If you’re watching this on my YouTube channel, hit subscribe and make sure you hit the bell so

you get a notification every time I post a new video, which I do almost daily. And please also leave a comment. Like did

this makes sense to you? And let me know what you’re thinking about these videos because it helps me to do them.

And with that, I’m about to take off elbow bump….later!