The WORST Question a Therapist could ASK (And Many Do!)

This question is one of the worst questions a therapist can ask, and what’s interesting is that so many of us have used it before. Let’s talk about what this question is, and why it can do way more harm than good when asked.

There are a few questions that psychotherapists ask that actually cause harm and distress to our clients. And the thing is, I don’t think any therapist wants to cause harm or distress to our clients. I don’t think anybody wants to be difficult to our clients. I don’t think anybody wants to make our clients life any more complicated or difficult than they already are, given the challenges that they’re facing that brought them into our care.

But we ask them, because we’ve always asked them. No one has ever examined, is this what we should be asking? And the number one question that I think causes harm is, “What brings you into therapy today?”

And the reason it’s such a difficult question is it puts the client in a really hard situation.
Number one, it puts the client in a situation where they are forced to think about a challenge that they might not be ready or want to think about in that moment. So, for example, if I’m coming to therapy because my wife is leaving me, and you say, what brings me to therapy? That simple question is going to make me think about the trauma I’m experiencing in that moment.

The other reason why that’s such a challenging question is it’s usually asked right at the beginning of the therapy before you have a relationship with the client. So you ask, “What brings you in today?” And they don’t really know you well. So now they have to think about, do they trust you with this content?

And then sometimes clients are not comfortable answering that question. And then we, as the therapist label that client as ‘resistant’, or ‘not ready’, or ‘not willing’, or ‘not want to go there’. But the truth is, it’s just a reasonable response. You’ve asked me a very, very personal question that caused me to think about a trauma or difficult challenge that I’m facing. And I don’t know you. So I’ve got to think about, do I feel comfortable telling you about the challenge that I’m facing? That should make sense. But our field judges people, and we say things like, they’re not ready and all those things, and it’s crazy to me.

I think a very enlightening thing happened. I was on the road teaching. I was in North Carolina, actually. And this lady walked up to me and she said, “Being at this training has convinced me that I need more training.” I said, “Why?” And she said, “Because it looks like every question you ask your clients, you put a lot of thought into, as to why you ask it, and how you ask it, and the very specific type of answer you’re hoping to get. And the very kinds of things you want your clients to think about as a result of the question you’ve asked.” She said, “I realized that I’m not as thoughtful in my therapy.”

And the thing is, I’ve heard that kind of feedback a bazillion times from professionals. I’ve heard that kind of feedback over and over again from people saying, “I haven’t thought about what I’m doing with a level of precision.” And as a result, we’re asking a lot of questions that cause harm and we need to stop doing that.

So stop asking questions that cause harm. Problem related questions actually cause harm for the reasons I said here.

So do a better job, and be precise, and think before you ask.